My Anxiety....and why it sucks.

It seems to have been nearly a year since I updated this blog. Lots has happened in a year. It's been a year of significant change for me, and those around me. Most anyone who has seen my blogTV.com show knows my girlfriend Christina. I cannot stress what a wonderful woman she really is. We've had a lot of great times this year, leading up to us finally moving in together!

We now share a little basement apartment in Ajax, Ontario. It's about 30 minutes outside of Toronto. She's been especially great because, for the past 3 months, I've been an absolute wreck and she's been there for me. And 'being there' is putting it mildly.

Before I go any further into how great she is, let me tell you a little about why I've been in rough shape for the past 3 months.

Around the time when Christina and I moved in together, (start of October 2011) I lost my job due to cutbacks in the company. It wasn't a great job, and I was going to have to find a new job in any case, so I wasn't too broken up about it. October went by, and while I was still looking for a new job, I was thoroughly enjoying not having to wake up at 7AM each morning and driving 40 minutes.

During all this, I was in rehearsals for my new show with Ajax Community Theatre; 'I Hate Hamlet'. I remember as the rehearsals went along, I realized that my throat was becoming increasingly sore, to the point where I felt like I was in a constant state of gagging. This made for a less than enjoyable time on stage, since I was not playing a mime in the play. I believe now that what I was suffering from was strep throat, I had many of the symptoms (fever, headache, nausea, etc etc.). It was probably being further aggravated due to the fact that I was talking on stage for two weeks straight.

Now, as for the nausea; I am moderately emetephobic (fear of vomiting) so this constant state of near gagging and nausea was not making me a happy camper. This led to many sleepless nights and mini panic attacks. Anyway, November came and went, as did the show. I finally felt I was getting over the strep.

Next thing you know, it's December. The month where love is measured in dollar signs. Just kidding, I am not nearly that cynical, but it does put undue pressure on one to ensure that they have enough gifts for friends and family. Also, in December I managed to procure employment in a restaurant in Markham, Ontario. It was a franchised restaurant, not known for it's excellent culinary practices, or it's sterling customer service, but hey. It was work, and I wasn't exactly spoiled for choice.

By this point in December, I am suffering the after effects of my bout with strep. Namely, anxiety. All that near-vomiting had really done a number on my nerves. I was becoming increasingly cautious about when/what/how much I was eating. As a result of this, I dropped a considerable amount of weight (I was somewhere around 170lbs and I would estimate I am now somewhere around 140-150). I was now at the end of my training shifts at the restaurant, and was permitted to take my own tables. At the start of that shift, I was walking up to serve my first table when it felt like someone literally grabbed me around the throat. Anxiety was taking hold of me hard. I managed to get the drink order from the table and on my way back to the kitchen I felt the nausea and dizziness come roaring back.

I told my manager that I was sick with some sort of flu I had contracted from my girlfriend (sorry to throw you under the bus, baby!). I had to get out of the restaurant. I was now in the state of anxiety where panic pops up for no particular reason. I still haven't pegged down a reason for that attack. It wasn't necessarily a stressful position; I had the experience and capabilities to deal with far busier restaurants. In any case, I exited the restaurant, got in my car, and tried to calm the hell down. It wasn't really until I got home that I finally got a hold of myself.
I remember I was scheduled to work the next day, but as the time for my shift got closer, I felt the fingers of anxiety slowly closing around me. I called my new workplace and told them that I was still unwell, and wouldn't be coming in to work. Then came the weekend, a few weeks earlier I had scheduled a doctor's appointment so I could speak to someone about this whole series of problems. On the Monday, I attempted to go to work again: the results were typical of the week before. I went into the manager's office to speak with him and explained my situation plainly. We both decided that maybe this job wasn't for me right now. I left the restaurant on good terms, but unemployed.

Then came the doctor's appointment; Dr. Brown has been my family doctor for my whole life. I'm not the type of person who goes to the doctor fairly regularly, so I don't know him as well as I should like, but I trust him. I laid out the whole situation for him (much as I have in this blog) and then listened to his advice. He explained to me there is a scale that doctors use for measuring stress with various factors that contribute to one's overall stress level. He then told me that I had damn near everything on that list (Different sleeping patterns, change of environment, loss of job, gaining a new job, holiday stress, lack of money etc etc.). Really, there was no reason for me NOT to have anxiety at this point. He suggested the best thing for me was to try and do some daily exercise to get my various levels back up to their norm. He also sent me to have some blood taken, just to make sure there were no other factors contributing to my overall state of being at that point. Hoo boy. That was fun.


After this came Christmas, and New Years, both carrying anxieties and difficulties all their own. I have never been carsick, but on New Years, damn was I close. The drive to Burlington takes about an hour and a half on the highway; however thanks to my nervous anxiety ridden body not wanting to drive on the highway, it got knocked up to two hours. Again, the ever patient Christina complied with my requests as we drove. While on that car ride I became so nervous and anxious that my body was wracked with adrenaline to the point where I felt as if there were an electrical current running through me. My joints all clenched together, and I felt a painful buzzing all through my body.
That was an experience I was not eager to repeat.

Since then, my anxiety has ebbed and flowed. There is a cruise coming up that Christina's family is taking me on. I have never been the best traveler, so that definitely adds to the load.
Some days are easy.
Others are difficult. A few nights ago I didn't end up sleeping until about 6 AM.
However, there is an overpowering thought that keeps me going.
Christina has told me, and my friend Bryan explained to me today:
It's going to go away. It's not permanent.
I'm suffering, sure. But I'm suffering against myself. That's the awful thing about anxiety. It isn't some foreign disease, or intruder about to lop your legs off. It's you. A reflection of you. It tells you to be afraid and nervous about things, and the only place to hide is inside yourself.
It's a you that loves being miserable.
It's a you that loves sweating the small stuff.
It's a you that always thinks 'worst case scenario'.

Well, I've been living with that reflection of me for about 3 months. And I am damn sick of him.

I'm not saying you can't feel fear, sadness or nervousness. Those are all part of being human. But you can't feel them all of time. It turns you into a shell of your former self. You look and sound like the same person, but someone else is behind the control panel.
That's basically what I want to leave this post with. Whether you've got anxiety, beaten it, or are just feeling it coming on.
You aren't alone.
You aren't an isolated case.
There's help available. You can talk to friend, a family member, a doctor, or anyone else you trust. Yes, you may feel weird and ashamed speaking about it to someone, but chances are the person you're talking to has either gone through it, or will go through it at sometime. At the very least they'll take your mind off it.
You can beat it.
You can't be a prisoner of yourself.

Me at the doctor's office

This was part of a much much longer post that I'm still editing down. I thought it was a good enough story that it deserved it's own post. The short story is that I went to see the doctor about some anxiety problems I've been having lately. At the end of the appointment he sent me to have blood taken, and then this happened...

As far as I can remember, I have never had blood taken. I went down to the err...blood-draining room, and waited my turn. A young man with a shaved head and a white coat that looked less like a doctor's and more like a butcher's called my name.

 Above: A whole mess of hepatitis

As he prepped me to be drained, I asked him a barrage of questions. No doubt owing to how nervous I was. He thought this was very amusing. Prick.
Now, it's important to note that I have a 'thing' about blood. This is something I discovered recently. The sight of it (my own, or anyone elses) now makes me lightheaded, dizzy and pale as a ghost.

 Not as much fun as he'd have you believe.

After extracting my blood, the man taped me up, and asked if I was feeling lightheaded at all. I said yes, but probably due to how nervous I was. I told him some fresh air would set me right as rain. He shrugged and sent me on my way. I then started to climb the stairs to leave the building.

It was about this time that blackness crept in around the edges of my vision, and I began feeling very dizzy.
I grabbed onto the nearest wall for support, and held up my hand in front of my face.
Couldn't see it.
Crap.

I quickly thought to myself:  "Okay, you need to sit down for a bit. You're not going to throw up, but you're in no shape to be walking"
I then remembered I passed a handicapped washroom on the lower level. Quiet, private, clean. The perfect place to ride out this lightheadedness. I began to descend the stairs, clutching the railing for fear that I would fall onto the ceiling.

 Nearly me.

As I neared the bathroom, I remembered that next to the information person at the blood depository had lollipops next to the sign in forms. In my blood-drained brain I managed to reason that 'candy = sugar, sugar = energy'. I tried to look not so much like an injured antelope walking up to the desk, reached up my hand, and, misjudging the distance due to my eyesight, punched the ever loving hell out of the candy container. I managed to clutch one of the lollipops and turned around to walk out. I believe I remember the attendant asking me if I was alright. I was in no mood to answer questions.

 Now I know how the QWOP guy feels.

I went into the handicapped bathroom and sat down on the bowl and tried to get a hold of my senses. It took less time than I thought it would, but sufficient time for a lady to walk in, apologize profusely and then walk out. I had clearly neglected to lock the door, which I quickly remedied.

I sat for about 5 minutes, collecting myself and decided I was well enough to leave the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror, took a deep breath and opened the door.

Joy of joys.

I was in the WOMEN'S handicapped bathroom.
At that point I could do no more than laugh at myself and walk out of the doctor's office.
So that's my bloodletting story. I have not heard back from the doctor with regards to my blood, so I assume it's very bloody and there's nothing I should worry about.

Why couldn't I have walked into THIS handicapped lady's room??

BlogTV v. YouTube - My Perspective

I thought I'd start off this blog with a post about something that I probably spend most of my online time with. Maybe some of you have seen my blogTV show, and got to know me through there. Maybe some of you stumbled on this blog all by your lonesomes. Maybe some of you are my girlfriend.

In any case, if you're not aware, blogTV is a site where users with a webcam can spout off whatever they damn well please in live webcasts. Some of the highest rated shows include; 14 year olds who tease 40 year olds into believing they will show their boobs, and a guy who runs around on Xbox calling people faggots.


Now, having said that you're probably thinking 'Gawrsh, what an awful site. Why would anyone watch the webcasts on there?'

I broadcast on this site, and do so for two reasons; one being my undying need for other people's attention, and the other being the spirit of meeting new people, finding out about where they are from, what they do, etc etc.

Then there's YouTube.

I primarily use YouTube to watch videos, not V-Blogs, or Video Blogs, or Vlogs, or any combination thereof. I've tried, I really have to watch a Vlog, but every person's videos seem to be the damn same. Jump cuts throughout, annoying not-real voice, and lots of bright colors.

On the one hand, these people have the right idea. The online audience is so fickle, you need to capture their attention as soon as you can, and even if you do, you're only going to hold it for about 45 seconds. In that time, you need to acquire three things to be a successful vlogger. A thumbs up, a subscription, and a friend add. That's the vloggers triforce.

Seems easy, dunnit? That's why EVERYONE is doing the same videos. Having a video so riddled with jump cuts and location changes basically says 'I have nothing of value to say, but desperately need your attention, so I'm going to dangle keys in front of your face until you subscribe out of boredom'

Now, people who come to my BlogTV show often comment on how I have a good personality and should think about doing YouTube videos. On my RobertDanger YT page, I have one video. Showing people around my house, because they asked for it. Is it goofy? Sure. Does it have jump cuts? Yes, but that's mostly due to bad editing.

I enjoy doing the live web shows for the same reason I enjoy doing live real shows. I enjoy feeding off the audience energy, interacting with people, and making people laugh. That is why I'm not in any sort of rush to do YT videos. Chances are, I'll end up looking like this asshole:

First Post! What to blog about????

Well, here we are. It certainly took long enough for me to get this started. Now I haven't the foggiest on what to blog about! I suppose this should be an introductory post to tell you what to expect from this blog. Mostly this will be used for ranting and things of that nature. If you watch my blog show you know I talk about anything and everything from comic books to movies to all this and all that. Hopefully I'll actually keep up with this and have something for you to read. So yeah. Get excited for that.